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People should mute themselves on conference calls when they are crossing a battlefield and killing enemies to get to the next level.
Ask your doctor if walking blindly into traffic is right for you
Whatever you do in life, always give 100%…unless you’re donating blood…
"I really should buckle down and get my rap album going"-Me, every time I drink
I swear, if my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
"Don`t make me regret this." -things I think when accepting a friend request.
Boy it`s nice out today... or at least that`s what it says on my computer.
We will always have that special 5 minutes before I started creeping you out.
I wish more people would give me the silent treatment.
Diet plan: make friends fatter
Why did you have to take a half naked picture in front of a full length mirror to show off your new haircut?
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
I don`t know why you are complaining about your appearance, your personality is even worse.
Word to the wise - make sure the phone is 100% hung up before you call someone an a$$hole.
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment.