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It`s really ironic that I mostly use my driver`s license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive.
I carry a knife, but it’s just in case of cake.
I`ll be right with you, I`m busy being inappropriate on the internet.
Parents: Where are you going at this time of the night all dressed up like a slut? Daughter: To the bathroom, I need a new Facebook picture.
I thought about cleaning my room this weekend but didn`t do it. Then I remembered its the thought that counts so I feel better now
I have a few skeletons in my closet. But, every single one of them deserved it.
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Walmart
Tomorrow I`m going to start using big words to sound smart....Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
You can`t control who comes into your life. But you can control which window you throw them out of.
I`m going crazy! Get in, you`re riding shotgun!
I’ve taken off my pants in most malls that I’ve been to.
The correct term for gluten-free, sugarless, vegan brownies is "compost."
Thinks that some of you make impulsive, poor thought out decisions. We should totally hang out more!!!
The real fountain of youth is to have a dirty mind and a naughty smile.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone