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The speed at which I can prepare food during a commercial break is amazing.
Just watched a woman in front of me walk face first into a telephone pole because she was too busy looking at her phone. I could’ve given her a heads up, but then I wouldn’t have been able to watch her walk face first into the telephone pole.
I`m a bad multitasker and even a questionable monotasker
to do list: buy a parrot. teach the parrot to say, "Help!! I`ve been turned into a parrot!"
Women have closets full of `I have nothing to wear.`
Wait till the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald`s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Punctuality is a waste of time since no one is ever there to appreciate it.
The most dangerous drinking game is seeing how long I can go without coffee.
Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong."
Being alone with my thoughts can be quite boring unless alcohol is involved
People at work tell me I have a lot of patience. Fact is… there are just way too many witnesses around
I`ll never fall in love untill and unless love falls on me!
Before I stalk someone, I follow them around for a while...Cause you know, what if they`re not worth it?
I don`t like morning people ... Or mornings ... Or people.
People who say they suffer from constipation are usually full of sh!t.