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Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing, but it cost a fortune in stamps.
"You only live once. LOL JK!" ~ the cat
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2015.
Look, all I`m saying is if you didnt want me to take my clothes off and do an interpretive dance you should have turned off Michael Jacksons "man in the mirror".
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
I look at you and think "why has no-one hit you with a shovel yet?"
Some people are like eye-candy... I`m more like eye-meatloaf.
I was wondering why my doctor gave me LSD for my constipation, then I saw a dragon and crapped myself.
Decided to get in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich!
I took a sexual harassment course today, I think this is actually something I might be pretty good at
I find if you sprinkle some bacon bits on a salad, but don’t actually add any salad, then its a pretty good salad.
Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies. Is that a trick question?
My friend bought some new floral underwear today. I asked her why she bought `floral` underwear to which she replied "its in memory of all the faces that have been buried there".
Stop undressing me with your eyes!...Use your teeth!
If you get pulled over, ignore the cop and tell him that your mommy told you not to talk to strangers.