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Parents, forget about teaching your kids about the birds and the bees. Teach your kids the difference between their, they`re and there.
Are you reading this from a toilet? I’m writing this from one.
I look forward to paying off all my debt and finally getting back to just being broke.
I didn`t text you. Vodka texted you.
Babysitters are just teenagers who behave like adults so that adults can go out and behave like teenagers.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Didn`t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Home is where you can say anything you want, because nobody listens to you anyway.
Tenderizing the meat sounds a lot sexier than it is
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Sometimes, I wonder if the weather app on my phone even looks outside.
I`m not homophobic, I love my house!
This is probably the best idea I`ve had yet! -me, right before I do something stupid
Live For Today… Plan For Tomorrow… Party Tonight!
Everyday I fall in love with you more and more. Except yesturday, yesturday you were pretty f*cking annoying.