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If other employees are taking four fifteen minutes smoke breaks a day, I should most certainly be allowed a one hour nap time.
*Me washing my car* Person: Hey what’s up? Washing your car? Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
When someone says “you’re the best,” just know that it’s not really true because I’m the best.
Not to brag, but they know me by name at the liquor store and the police station.
Ex Girlfriend: Omg! I had a dream about you last night!! Ex Boyfriend: Aww thats so sweet, what happend? Ex Girlfriend: U died :)
It doesn`t take much to make a woman happy, but it takes even less to make her mad.
I love arguing with you so much, I`ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Yet another advantage of being single. All I bring to Thanksgiving is empty Tupperware...
Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, poverty can’t buy you anything.
The most frustrating thing I`ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
What`s the hold up on making extremely heavy shoes for toddlers so they can`t run around so much?
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
No matter how fast you run, the serial killer always walks faster.
change your birthday on facebook to today, see how many people say happy birthday for APRIL FOOLS!!!! lol
Pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens.