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We have those sticky traps all around the house and I just found one moved clear across the room with all sorts of hair on it....so if anyone see`s a BALD mouse running around, it belongs to me
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself: "I`m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute."
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old...
I mean really though...Why wash cups when you can just drink out of the jug?
I`m not lazy, I just rest before I get tired
"Bros before hoes" is something a bro without a hoe would say.
received a call saying that my son had been lying in school, and was being expelled. I don´t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar.
It`s a lot easier to chuck a co-worker in the dumpster than it is to listen to his problems.
Remember before we met? I miss those days.
Being a Zombie doesn`t sound that bad. You don`t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Anyone going to stare at their phones anywhere cool this weekend?
That awkward moment when you are killing it on Mario Kart & then realize you are looking at the wrong side of the screen.
When ever I think about the past...It brings back so many memories
Bartenders are basically professionals that we hire to poison us very slowly in creative ways.
One problem with auto-correct is that you always end up posting some thong you didn`t Nintendo.