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I was fighting with this gal over who is lazier. I let her win.
Next time you go to the bank and they ask you if you`d like large bills, just look at them dead serious and say "No, normal size ones if you don`t mind."
Is there another word for synonym?
If “too drunk to stand” is a yoga pose, then I’m nailing that one.
The only thing worse than "the one that got away" is the one that won`t go away.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Learned today that it`s about 12 min after realizing there`s no TP in the stall that you ask yourself how important your socks really are.
If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a video camera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Don`t waste my timeline.
I don`t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGI Friday`s once a month and glue more sh!t to the wall, no one notices, try it
m for Monday t for Tuesday wtf Wednesday Thursday Friday get it wtf
If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to "grow up," I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.
Dr. Oz says having 1/2 hour of sex is equivalent to running 6 miles. I guess I`m going to the gym today.
In honor of this years` Super Bowl participants respective States of residence, they`ve changed kickoff to 4:20 Eastern Standard time.
The future is that time when you’ll wish you’d done what you aren’t doing now.