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The hardest part of the job interview is knowing the best moment to lean in for the kiss.
It`s only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.
I think stupid people were put on this planet to test my anger management skills.
I knew the Psychic was no good the moment she accepted my check
I always advise people never to give advice.
I’ve made some pretty bad choices in life but I have to admit, having orange juice with Oreos was the worst.
Am I getting older or is the supermarket starting to play some great songs?
You can`t fix stupid, but you can always drink more beer.
When people say, "You look familiar," i like to reply with, "Do you watch porn?"
I wonder how many couples would still be together if they traded phones for a weekend
Screw it, just add another blade." -Gillette marketing concepts.
People who say "I hate to bother you" need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
I could spend my day outside, but I`m sure there`s plenty of porn that needs to be rated.
They`re having a Jamaican hair-do day tomorrow at work. I`m dreading it.
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade"