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I’m cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass.
That awkward moment when you run into someone and there`s no where to hide
I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing.
If women really knew what men think, there would be restraining orders on all men.
Ok, I admit. Everything that`s wrong in your life is your fault.
My life is a result of "it seemed like a good idea at the time."
The ideal man doesn`t smoke, doesn`t drink, doesn`t do drugs, doesn`t swear, doesn`t get angry, doesn`t exist
You know it’s cold outside when you go outside and it’s cold.
When i see a person hailing a cab, i run quickly by them and slap them a high five just to boost their enthusiasm!
Everything is legal when the cops aren`t around.
Everything I need to know in life I learned in kindergarten... if you poop your pants they let you go home.
I’m sorry for what I said when I was hungry.
There’s gotta be a better use for the part of my brain that remembers every word to “Baby Got Back.”
To all who called into work drunk today. Happy St Patrick`s Day.
Car commercials make driving around in empty parking structures look fun and normal and not suspicious or kidnappy.