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Your eyes are so beautiful. If you look deep enough i can see my own reflection...
The world would be a much nicer place if everyone took a chill pill. It would be even better if some of them choked on it.
If anybody asks, I was on Facebook all night tonight, okay? Thanks for having my back, everyone.
I had to explain the Goonies today... so I`m feeling super old and bitter.
I`m looking up in the sky and I have no idea which cloud has all my data
If I don’t talk to myself, who will?
My stomach just growled so hard I thought I was getting a text message.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I`m still looking.
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much shit to carry.
My wife just bought a $50 bottle of shampoo. So guys, party at my house this weekend because apparently we won the Lottery!!!
Apparently when your girlfriend says "f*ck that bitch", you`re not supposed to take her seriously.
I used to be poor. Then I bought a dictionary, and now I`m impecunious.
What do women want? The opposite of whatever they have.
If I didn’t drink, how would my friends know I loved them at 2AM?