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Now there’s Adderall to perk up, Xanax to calm down, Prozac to feel normal. In my day we drank beer for all three.
Guns don`t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Some people say having a child is the best experience in the world. These people obviously never had 2 thing fall from a vending machine at once.
Who knew rock bottom was so crowded?
*Gets absolutely nothing done*… Welp time for a break.
What kind of jerk makes an anti-anxiety pill difficult to break in half?
It`s everyone`s favorite holiday season where we try to guess if that was a firework or gunshot
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: `last warning, you have a week to get the money together.`
It`s a small world, but I wouldn`t want to paint it.
I can’t believe that all these “single ladies in my area” want to meet me, must be due to all the “free Ipads” I’ve been winning.
If you pour two beers into one glass, it becomes just one beer.
FYI: Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long, if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
You want to see Americans become activists? Cancel a TV show they like.