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If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “damn” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help.
Violently swerving your car will not throw a spider off the window. Doesn`t work like it does with humans. Just in case you need to know.
I can alwasy tell when movies do not use real dinosaurs
Things are finally looking up for me. This Victoria`s Secret catalog just told me this is going to be "your sexiest year ever."
Does anyone actually know what you have to do when people are singing Happy Birthday to you.
Anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
I never thought I’d be the kind of person who’d wake up early in the morning to exercise... and I was right.
Summer: Hair gets lighter. Skin gets darker. Water gets warmer. Drinks get colder. Music gets louder. Nights get longer. Life gets better.
If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck and looks like a duck then it could be a dragon doing a duck impersonation.
I love talking about nothing. It’s the only thing I know anything about.
I haven`t talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn`t want to interrupt her.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
I am so clever sometimes I don`t even understand what I`m saying.
Stop leaving me messages. If I ever wanted to talk to you again, I wouldn’t have borrowed all that money.
Sometimes saying "F*ck it" is the best decision.