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If you hold out your arms like Frankenstein when walking in a leg brace, people let you cut in line at Starbucks.
Marriage is just a 50 year long negotiation over thermostat settings.
I don`t really work, I just kinda stand around and be awesome.
Just had workplace violence training. It`s like HR doesn`t even care about the first rule of fight club.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I`m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said bet you can`t hit me with a quarter!
If you rearrange the letters of "postmen" they get really pissed off.
When I`m not sleepy, I listen to some Chris Brown. That knocks me out right away.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Shouting "Shotgun" will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Pizza will never tell you you`re fat unless you`re high as sh!t, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.
Women with big breasts... ...can get a taxi on the worst days ...have a neat place to carry spare change ...have always been the center of the arts (art) ...make jogging a spectator sport ...can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub ...have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them) ...usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie ...can always carry a little extra ...always float better ...know where to look first for lost earrings ...rarely lack for a slow dance partner ...hav
I`m trying to lose weight by eating carrots and bran muffins. It`s a fiber-optics diet.
I`m the type of person that will burst out laughing in dead silence over something that happened days ago.
Welcome to fight club..., you may now kiss the bride.