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I know you think you´re interesting because you have an accent. But a drunken slur is not an accent.
Every parent’s superpower is the ability to communicate “I love you!” and “I will kill you!” with a single look.
"How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?" -guy who invented condoms
If I have ten pieces of bacon and you take five pieces, what do you have? Thats right., A black eye and a broken hand!
there`s a fine line between "cocky" and "confidence"...and it just so happens I have perfect balance!
It`s so hot I have my air condition set on bankruptcy.
You find my yoga pants distracting ... would you like me to take them off?
My favorite beer is an open one.
Look Bruce, just because you call it the "Batcave" doesn`t change the fact that you still live in your parents basement.
The only sit up I do is the one I use to get out of bed.
Whenever you hear the phrase "Oh no he didn`t" you can rest assured that he did.
i got a dig bick..........how many read that wrong
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
If you no longer know what day of the week it is, it’s time to get a job.
All I`m saying is there`s a reason all the best love songs have the word crazy in them.