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I am a completely different person when I`m not under female supervision.
Ladies, how do I work my man boobs and get out of a ticket? Quick, she`s coming.
Life is not fair. But life is not fair for everyone, which actually makes it fair.
I`m not drunk ... But I`m working on it.
Lying about my age is easier now that I have trouble remembering what it is.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say "Pretty good, so far."
I need professional help. A chef and a butler should do it.
I once dated a girl with a parrot. The thing was crazy and never shut up! The parrot was cool though.
The only time I hit the panic button on my car keys is accidentally, and the only person who panics is me.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
I like superheroes but I`d rather hang out with the villains.
The world is full of nice guys who want naughty girls who want bad boys who want nice girls who want nice guys.
My participation in this meeting will be based solely on the snacks they provide.
hilarious
iTunes got it all wrong, the hottest single of the year is me.