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Stop dwelling on the past and start f*cking up the future.
I was getting really depressed today but then I realized double cheeseburgers exist
Humans pretend to be smart, but we still look at the ceiling when we hear a noise upstairs like we just developed x-ray vision.
I just caught my husband smiling in his sleep. He`s going to pay for that later.
Everybody stop what you`re doing and play with crayons! You`re wlecome, enjoy the day.
If the shoe fits, wear it. Unless they`re not yours. But you can still were them. It`s just a road test, after all.
I look forward to paying off all my debt so I can get back to just being broke.
My love is like a candle, If you forget about me, I`ll burn your frikin house down!
Some people never go crazy...... What truly horrible lives they must live
PMS = Prepare to Meet Satan.
Sometimes it takes me a full 8 hours to get nothing done.
I ordered a new GPS unit, but it got lost in the mail.
I am not real pumped up about the Super Bowl this year!
A penny for your thoughts, Five bucks if they’re naughty.
There are some people in this world who make you totally understand Hannibal Lecter.