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Don`t rush me, I`m waiting until the last minute.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye, but she was seeing someone on the side.
Sex without love is merely healthy exercise.
Life would be a lot easier if employers accepted excuses like “I’m sorry I can’t come into work today, I’m sleepy”
Sometimes, I drink a glass of water, just to surprise my liver!
I hate buying feminine products! How am I supposed to know if this is the right kind of broom or not?
There aren`t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
If there`s one thing I`ve learned, it`s that I should have learned some other stuff.
u smile i smile u laugh i laugh u cry i`ll go get a bat and say who`s gonna get it
Even when I’m home alone, I still answer Jeopardy questions out loud.
Nascar would be so more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.
I feel like I have not told enough people lately to kiss my mother f*cking a$$.
My body is by no means a temple but it can be one heck of a amusement park ride...
When you think about how big the Earth is, then how small it is compared to the Sun, and how the Sun is just a speck of dust in the universe, it`s easy to justify eating an entire chocolate cake.