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Alcohol won’t solve your problems, but neither does milk or orange juice.
I wish people would consult me before trying to insult me, because I could help them come up with a much better one.
I don`t know, guys. The whole "play dead when a bear attacks" thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with...
My pessimism has never failed me, but I`m sure someday it will.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you`re homeless cause you`re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Women say they love nerds until you whip out your Pokemon cards.
Show me, on this cat calendar, how long it`s been since you`ve had a date?
If you work Security in a Samsung store does that make you a Guardian of the Galaxy?
A woman that doesn`t ask for nothing deserves everything
Winning isn`t everything. Rubbing it in the face of your opponent is also important.
Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says “trust me, you don’t want to know.”
I spent yesterday painting some kickass flames on a car. I bet whoever owns it was stoked when they came out of the mall.
I don`t know why I think I could survive the Zombie Apocalypse, I cant even handle the puff of air at the eye doctor.
If you cut your child`s sandwich into squares instead of triangles, you suck at parenting...
I just hope people who say "Jesus is my co-pilot" realize he`s a 1st century carpenter with no time in a flight simulator.