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Hooters should start a home delivery service and call it Knockers.
The average fight between men lasts 3 minutes. The average fight between women lasts 17 years.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions
Things I didn`t learn in high school... how to pay bills buy a house apply for college but thank goodness I can graph a polynomial function.
Crazy people are never aware of their own insanity. I’m so glad I’m not a crazy person.
Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to .... unless your in prison!!!
Men are great listeners when you have big boobs ;)
It`s so cute how you can throw balls right at kids faces in the Chuck E Cheese ball pit and they think you`re just playing.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree ... I think I found my spirit animal.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
The only way I know if I`ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger
Sometimes words are not enough. That`s why I always like to keep a baseball bat with me, just in case...
I can`t afford to go on vacation these days,so I just drink until I don`t know where the duck I am or how I got there.
During the holidays people have to make a choice between enjoying the holidays or spending it with the relatives.
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it´s for them?