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I don`t like surprises so, I never open my Electric Bill or my Bank Statement.
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.
Normal trees probably look at Christmas trees all dolled up and think .. "Whore"
At church they said the number of the beast is 666, but I stood up and said that`s not my wifes phone number.
I´m not lazy, I´m just highly motivated not to do anything.
If I rapped I would have to start doing way more stuff because only so many things rhyme with couch.
Behind every beautiful song is a person who really shouldn`t sing it out loud in public
Never send in a beer to do the work of a tequila shot.
That feeling you get when you meet someone named dick....
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Friends are like slinkys, they are twisted as heck but you can`t help but laugh when they fall down the stairs.
Here`s to all the kids who have never found their name on anything in a souvenir store
It needs more cowbell!!
The awkward moment when you’ve already said “what?” three times and still have no idea what the person said, so you just agree.
Leave a comment if you`ve started drinking. Hit the `Like` button if you`re already sh!tfaced. *Cheers*