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I wish my mind had a delete button.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I`m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge.
I often wondered what it`d be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Doing absolutely nothing on the weekends has started to feel more fun than actually going out.
why do wise people never make wisecracks?
You know it`s way past your bed time when the 1-800-dial-a-hoe commercials come on.
My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an XBOX game for his Playstation.
Ordering a water with lemon says “I’m too cheap to buy a drink, but I still like a little zing.”
Don’t bother flirting with the girl from accounting, she knows how much money you really make.
Sometimes I use big words that I don’t fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.
Tonight I’m going to have my favorite drink. It’s called “a lot.”
I plan on being up really late tonight making voodoo dolls for, well, never mind, you will know who you are soon enough.
I know you shouldn`t text and drive but I`ve only had 2-3 texts tonight, tops, so I should be okay to drive.
Imagine my disappointment when I discovered a "Booby Prize" really wasn`t boobies at all...:(