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Let me get this straight…a woman could pour hot wax on her legs, ripping all the hair out…and still be afraid of a spider?
I spent an hour at Walmart last night.. I can now totally disprove evolution.. O_o
Happiness is the journey, not the destination, and when you reach your destination, ie; bottom of a beer, you must embark on a new journey, ie; get another beer........
I think sex is probably the best stress reliever, but I haven’t beaten anyone with a baseball bat before, so I can’t be 100% sure.
Days are short in December but spending them with family really stretches them out.
I love my six-pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
Because of tanning beds, 1000 years from now archaeologists will think we used to fry people as punishment.
Yes Officer, I carry a knife, but that`s just in case I find a cake.
I like to keep bartenders on their toes by making up drinks on the spot. "Yeah, I`ll take a Dirty Hammock."
Alcohol is never the answer...unless, of course, you ask what I`ll be doing tonight.
Donald Trump`s hair saw its shadow. We have six more weeks of protesting.
Happy Fat Tuesday! Join me again tomorrow on I`m still fat Wednesday
Whenever I hear "let me tell you the truth", I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say "brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want."
Welcome to my bedroom,this is where the magic happens.....and by that I mean this is where I read my Harry Potter books.
Why the hell isn`t the iphone`s battery life called "Apple Juice."