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I`m actually a pretty normal person when you ignore the faint cries for help coming from my basement..
Saw some idiot put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.
I like it like that
If I tell you I can`t text you because I`m driving it`s only because I`m also eating.
One thing I`ve learned about women is they prefer that I don`t speak
Roman Numerals...what are they good IV?
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
I`m glad the guy who came up with "No means no" didn`t do the whole dictionary
I only call them yoga pants because Netflix and eat leftovers pants was too long.
I haven`t been this disappointed since I first saw a real hedgehog and it wasn`t blue.
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run, but I did break a sweat.
“Be yourself” is the worst advice you can give to some people.
I put on real clothes today. What more do you want from me?
Whenever somebody said they did something "Like a Boss" I assume that they did nothing but took all the credit for it.
"I can`t wait to have you inside me," I whispered softly to my dinner.