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Beer and a 44 magnum with an everclear shot makes everything good like Nintendo
True laziness is being excited when plans get canceled.
I hope this guy at the urinal next to me can see that I`m checking Facebook and not taking pictures.
3yo just yelled "face-five!" & slapped his brother in the face. I`m totally using that at work tomorrow.
Me: spends 12 hours comparing teams before completing NCAA bracket, loses $50. GF: Spends 5 minutes picking teams with "cute" mascot names, wins $1000.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with "I got the live bees you sent, they`ll do nicely"
When I`m bored I like to call in sick to places I don`t work for. I`m getting written up at Home Depot
If my "check engine" light would check my wallet, it would know there`s nothing I can do about it.
I just don`t have enough middle fingers for today.
It`s hard to take life serious once you realize people jamming their genitals in each others mouths is considered a sign of affection.
"There`s strength in numbers" I whisper to my 9th slice of pizza.
I never run with scissors…those last two words were unnecessary.
Whatever you do in life, always give 100%...unless you`re donating blood...
If you put a "Student Driver" sign on top of your car, Nobody will ever suspect you of drunk driving.
I hate when someone asks me where I see myself 5 years from now when I don`t even remember where the hell I was 2 days ago.