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If zombies ever do attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership.
Now there’s Adderall to perk up, Xanax to calm down, Prozac to feel normal. In my day we drank beer for all three.
The expiration date on my credit card is 4/20 and it always gets a good laugh when Im ordering pizza for delivery.
How do you get to be that guy who waves the chopsticks at the the orchestra? I feel like I could do that.
Sometimes I wanna copy someone´s status word for word and see if they notice.
My son asked what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his ipod except 1 song.
Life would be so much better if throughout the day we encountered randomly placed Piñatas
"No! Don`t go into the church! Nooo!" ... "Honey, what movie are you watching?" ... "Our wedding video."
When someone tells me I`m going to hell, I`m like "yeah, duh, I work there part time as a tour guide!"
May your life one day be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
I`ll never fly Virgin Airlines. Why would anyone want to fly an airline that doesn`t go all the way.
I was called sexist today. So..i said i think ur mistaken...its pronounced sexy! LOL
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and most of that comes from bad judgment...
In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Happy New Year you guys.
Would an obsession with the imperial measurement system be considered a foot fetish?