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That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! – no one ever
Me: "I want to travel more." Bank account: "Like, to the park?"
A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down, unless that medicine is insulin.
Thank you Pringles for being the only chip company that doesn`t sell air.
Peanut butter sandwiches taste better when cut in half diagonally...........Listen,, I don`t make the rules people.
Everytime someone says "Expect the unexpected" I like to punch them in the face and say "not as easy as it sounds, now is it?"
The saddest thing about St. Patrick`s Day is taking down all my Christmas decorations.
You know you are the ugly one if they ask you to take the photo.
All single ladies, stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don’t force an innocent cat to live with you.
Insanity does not run in my family. It strolls through, taking it`s time and getting to know each one of us personally.
My flock of sheep were stolen from my farm last month. I`ve not been able to sleep since.
If you can read this please let me know - because it means I blocked the wrong person.
If other employees are taking four fifteen minutes smoke break a day, I should most certainly be allowed a one hour nap time.
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.
Write me your opinions on this extra soft paper and leave it next to my toilet.