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If zombies ever do attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership.
I don`t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
I`ve been knocking for ten minutes. Don`t people answer their bathroom windows anymore?
Hmmmm, thats odd. . . .According to this height / weight chart. . . . I`m too short.
Wine doesn`t have many vitamins. That`s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Good judgement comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgement
All milk is breast milk.
Often, when I am reading a good book I stop and thank my teacher. Well, I used to. Until she got that restraining order.
Have you ever looked at someone and realized "WTF" is always what immediately comes to mind?
When I asked if you had protection, pepper spray isn’t what I meant.
The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.
I am so clever sometimes I don`t even understand what I`m saying.
Just got back from the car dealership and long story short, I`m now the proud owner of a giant circus tent.
Roses are red violets are blue vodka cost less than dinner for 2.
People who over-exaggerate make me so mad that I just want to light everyone on fire.