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If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your a$$
How the hell do you call Batman during the day?
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
I´m playing that game where the floor is made of lava, so I obviously can´t get off the couch or I´ll die.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk while it´s still snowing
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Whenever I read: "Do not exceed recommended dose" I always think, "Challenge accepted!"
What`s the nutritional value of an entire tube of cherry Chapstick? Asking for my two year old.
I sure do feel a lot more attractive at Walmart than I do at the gym.
It’s amazing how long you can hold your farts at the beginning of a relationship.
Some people are like Polaroids. You have to shake them violently before they make any sense.
B!tches be trippin ... OK, maybe I pushed one.
The Wizard of Oz is the ultimate chick flick. It`s about two women trying to kill each other over shoes.
I think Labor Day is to remind people that after a full day with the family, going to work actually isn`t so bad after all.
Yesterday I saw something that reminded me of you. I almost stepped in it!