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There are no limits to what you can accomplish when you are suppose to be doing something else.
A box 5 lb. box of chocolates: $40, Valentines Day card: $3.75, not being yelled at for 35 minutes until the chocolate is gone: priceless!
I never meant to be so cold, I never meant to be so cold. - Mother nature
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub. There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
In hell you`re always trying to spread butter that`s too cold.
When you can no long help someone, I can - said the coroner.
Yea...sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
The key to a woman`s heart is making her laugh...just make sure she`s not laughing at the size of your junk.
Women who say the quickest way to a man`s heart is through his stomach, have not seen his browser history.
Over the weekend I pulled a muscle getting off the couch to fetch more Doritos.
Whenever you feel sad, just remember that somewhere in this world there`s an idiot pulling a door that says "PUSH"..
I once shot a man with a paintball gun just to watch him dye.
Whenever I feel that someone is about to sneeze I yell “PIKA!” & they’re like “CHU!”. I don’t have any friends.
You know it was a good sh!t when you come back and your screensaver is on.
If Shakespeare is correct and "all the world is a stage" then I seriously would like to be in control of that trap door.