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If you watch COPS backwards it`s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right? Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Three things I’m thankful for this time of year: Family, Friends, and Caller ID to avoid family and friends
If each day is a gift, I`d like to know where I can return Monday.
I leave notes on people’s windshields telling them I smashed their car and did an amazing job fixing it.
This weekends forecast shows a 0% chance of cooking or cleaning, with a good chance of laying around in my pajamas.
I love a woman in uniform. I mean naked.
When everything else fails... you always have delusion.
The key to a woman`s heart is making her laugh...just make sure she`s not laughing at the size of your junk.
Famous words from Fergie... "Boom Boom Pow!" Happy 4th of July!!
An ex asking to stay friends after you break up is like a kidnapper asking to stay in touch after they let you go.
With all the botched executions lately, it has been suggested that we bring back the guillotine. But if we do that I`m sure heads will roll.
PRO TIP: If you walk around the mall hitting kids in the face with the shopping bags, your wife won`t make you carry them.
Don’t be scared of making changes. Be scared of living the same shitty life because you didn’t change. And spiders. Be scared of them too.
if drinking destroys your memory .... what does drinking do ?