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What I lack in height, I make up for in kitchen counter climbing ability.
How to know you have a sunburn: Smack the spot. If you scream in pain, its a sunburn
"Please don`t put a million dumb photos of me on your Facebook... it just annoys your friends" - Every baby
Note to self: When sending Valentines messages don`t use group text next year.
If Freud was alive today he would probably be awesome at telling "Yo Momma" jokes.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong...
Give a fish something for once for f*cks sake
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it’s strapped to the top of someone’s car.
Why does `beans` only mean secret when it`s "Don`t spill the beans?" Why can`t I say I have a dirty little beans to tell you?
Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.
When wearing a logo or clever t-shirt, make sure your rack looks good. No one likes reading stuff on a lumpy, wavy surface. You too, ladies.
If you like counting to three, you are going to love parenting.
This century is already 15% over.
Just witnessed kids playing tag. What is this world coming to? Do their parents know they are outside, interacting, and getting exercise?
My girlfriend wanted me to come shopping, but I had a headache... I must have caught it from her last night when we didn`t have sex.