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Sent my ex a card that said, "Get better soon." He`s not ill, just really crappy in bed.
Two years ago I became a proud parent. My kid is 6, but they were kind of a pain those first four years.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Just checked my Farmville for the first time in 2 years... It`s now a Walmart.
I found my wife through online dating. So, she`s definitely got some explaining to do!
I can come up with plenty of ways to do nothing.
I don’t write children’s books because the last page would always say: "Now shut up and go to sleep."
I`m leaving my body to science because even scientists need a good laugh now and then.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash.
The skeletons in your closet are suggesting that you upgrade to a double wide, walk-in.
"Hey homie!" - How I greet my house whenever I arrive.
If history has taught us anything, it`s that reheated french fries are gross.
Treat your mom to a margarita this mothers day! Remember you`re the reason she drinks.
My problem has always been a Constipated Brain and my mouth has the Runs.......
You call them ‘naps’ but I prefer to call them ‘alcohol-induced aftershocks`