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Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have diarrhea!
If I could go back in time I would put cheese on a lot more things.
Happy Saturday… the day you can put as much booze into your coffee as you’d like to put in on Monday.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
I think most of my friends hang out with me to see what I’ll say next.
I tend to say “I dont know” when I’m too lazy to think.
"No! Don`t go into the church! Nooo!" ... "Honey, what movie are you watching?" ... "Our wedding video."
This "doing nothing" is hard work, how am I supposed to know when I`m done?
It`s the little things in life that matter the most... for instance the refrigerator light, helping you to see that last beer way in the back!
I`m so pissed right now! I`m about to open a can of... Wait…WTF??!! Since when did they start putting child-proof lids on the cans of whoop-ass? A little help please...
The first step is admitting you’re a problem.
Social media is great if you like socializing without wearing pants.
I`m starting to think that Dr. Dre isn`t a real doctor after all...
If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
The best revenge is to kidnap your enemy, tie him up, then pop bubble wrap in front of him and make him watch.