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Drunk me loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
Professor X can move anything with his mind... except his legs.
I never tell god how big my problems ,,, I tell my problems how big my god is
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much stuff to carry.
I wish my bladder had a snooze button.
If you`re already in the cop car, I really can`t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
The best nights are those when it never crosses your mind to update your Facebook status.
I miss being in a relationship. Could 1 of you girls come over here and yell at me, treat me like shi t and not sleep with me? It might help.
I just want you to be happy…and maybe a little bit naked.
Thinking " What would happen if the whole world farted at once and a person lit a lighter?"
You`ll notice you never see sweatpants with "Classy" written across the butt.
Everyday I fall in love with you more and more. Except yesturday, yesturday you were pretty f*cking annoying.
Going to the skate park to watch people fall.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
I`ve been single for a while and I have to say, it`s going very well. Like... It`s working out. I think I`m the one.