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There is a fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”
I retired from being my brothers keeper when I realised that I was letting in goals that wouldn`t have scored if his post was empty
If this cold snowy weather doesn`t clear up soon, I may never get in the mood to take down the Christmas tree-
Laziness: the habit of resting before you get tired.
I hate that they put "use by" dates on condoms... like I`m not under enough pressure trying to get laid already.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
"I have no idea. Why don`t you just Google it?" —My answer to just about every question I`m ever asked
There is no number for what just happened in that bathroom.
I`m gonna hang a Batman costume in my closet just to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
Always end a conversation with "gotta run" so people think you`re into fitness
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It`s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
People who describe things as "better than sex" are obviously having the wrong kind of sex.
I’m not in denial, I’m just selective about the reality I choose to accept :)
If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your a$$.