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My New Year`s resolution is to spend more time wishing my enemies were dead.
Most of being an adult is marveling at the date and saying how fast the year is going by.
When I was a kid they didn`t call it "Behavioral Disorders", They called it "Being a little brat".
The pollen levels are so high this year that it has the crackheads trying to convert their meth back into Sudafed...
I thought I wanted to get married again. Then I laughed and remembered why I shouldn`t think.
I found $40 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy dart guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, dart guns and candy".
Happy Hallogivemas!!!!!! It`s the time of year when the stores sell Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas stuff all on ONE aisle!
When I was your age we had to open all doors by ourselves ... None of them knew we were coming.
A new study found that legalizing marijuana in Colorado has created more than 10,000 jobs...by keeping Taco Bell open 24 hours.
I like wearing glasses because I like to dramatically remove them before I say something profound. Doing that with contacts doesn`t have the same effect.
Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.
In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
Taught a man how to buy fish ... So much easier.
Every day is St. Patrick`s Day when you`re a drunk who likes to pinch people.
Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, “try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal”