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"My phone`s about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call
I bet some of you would absolutely kill it in a race where you had to jump over obstacles while looking at your phone.
To the squirrel carrying the mushroom up a tree to his nest: you may want to eat that with your feet firmly on the ground, buddy.
We may be an advanced nation but we still have to remind employees to wash their hands when they pee.
Who knew rock bottom was so crowded?
Happy Labor Day to someone who barely labored this year.
Life is like a box of chocolates. Get your own and stay the hell out of mine.
The only thing worse than having it rain after you wash your car is have to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.
My worst ideas have all either started or ended with having no pants on.
I`m an accident looking for a place to happen!
It`s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions. Kids... I meant my kids.
How big does a cupcake have to be before it’s just a cake?
Getting another set of teeth would be much more useful at age 60 than age 6.
Forget Klondike, you should see what I`d do for an open bar.
My mum`s so old fashioned she thinks LOL = Lots of love. She sent me an SMS saying just to let you know you`re Pa`s in hospital LOL.