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“Wow! My political opinion just changed because of what you posted on Facebook” – said no one ever.
Grocery stores could save me a lot of time and effort by adding an “All the stuff you can microwave” aisle.
Didn`t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Why put off `til tomorrow what you can premeditate today.
Ways to die: Steal my food.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Hey, does anyone know which side you`re supposed to wear your fanny pack on? I want to really nail this job interview tomorrow.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
She texted me: "your adorable." I replied: "no, YOU`RE adorable." Now she likes me, but all I did was point out her typo.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that`s still a sports injury, right?
I`m saving all my good posts for when I can think of some.
If I ever go missing and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
How easily you`re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.
If you cut your child`s sandwich into squares instead of triangles, you suck at parenting...
Do you like the strong, silent type? Then you`ll love my farts.