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I`m not sure where you learned to whisper but I`m guessing inside a helicopter surrounded by f*cking chainsaws.
Some people should be very grateful I don`t have mob connections.
I should be able to take a sick day if I am sick of the people I work with.
If it looks like a pig and walks like a pig, do me a favor & tell my ex girlfriend I said hello.
Anyone else sit on the toilet and play with their phone until you realized you have been finished 10 minutes ago?
I don`t understand interventions. What`s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of reasons why I drink in the first place?
I hate it when someone starts to tell me something, then says "Never Mind".
Lately, my furnace has run so much I nicknamed it "Forest".
Can you do me a favour? Stand in front of my car, I need to test my brakes.
My family is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you`re gonna get but you can be sure there are gonna be some nuts in there somewhere.
How does one get suspended with full pay and benefits? Asking for a friend who is actually me.
Be thankful for Facebook, the way gas prices are headed we may never actually see each other again.
LIKE if you check your phone to see what time it is and then check it again because the first time you weren’t paying attention.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because my version is better.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.