Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
I enjoy planting sex toys at yard sales in nice neighborhoods, then sit back to watch the magic unfold.
Guys are excellent cooks. With two eggs, a sausage, & a little bit of milk...they can keep a girl`s stomach full for 9 months.
Chuck Norris doesn`t flush the toilet...he just scare the sh!t out of it.
I`m changing my facebook username to NOBODY so that way when people post crappy posts, and i press the like button it will say NOBODY likes this
Some people are like rain clouds. Once they f*ck off, it`s a beautiful day.
I know I`m an adult now, but I still hold out hope that money will fall out of every card I get.
Make your girlfriend scream your name, leave the toilet seat up.
Funny how the closer I get to the bar the friendlier I become.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
I saw this homeless guy talking to himself and I was like, "Who is he talking to?" then I thought "Who am I talking to?"
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said "I will text you when I get home". I think she`s homeless.
Rumors are like fires. No one admits to starting them and before you know it, they`re out of control.
My girlfriend wanted me to come shopping, but I had a headache... I must have caught it from her last night when we didn`t have sex.
Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.