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My day so far: 1) Jumped out of bed 2) Cooked breakfast 3) Ran 6 miles 4) Worked out 5) Started lying compulsively
“Wow! My political opinion just changed because of what you posted on Facebook” – said no one ever.
I`d say I`m not a morning person but I`m really not sure I`m an evening person either.
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I`d be like "Sit your translucent a$$ down, I have a lot of questions!"
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
How many boxes of these Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
If you can’t love the one you want, love someone who looks like them and just squint a lot.
The best part about going to Wal-Mart is having the book aisles all to yourself.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you`re interested by repeatedly asking "why doesn`t our lawn ever look that nice?"
Inventor of camping: "Hey, let`s go pretend to be homeless."
The wife and I just got divorced. We split the house ... I got the outside.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
am a bomb technician...anytime you see me running. Try keep it up
Have you ever loved someone so much deep in your heart, you wanted to keep them hidden from the world and all to yourself? Well, apparently its called kidnapping.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.