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I never meant to be so cold, I never meant to be so cold. - Mother nature
Birth Control Pills should be for men. It makes much more sense to unload a gun than to shoot at a bulletproof vest.
In-laws the reason why I`d never get married..
Did you ever think that one day you would be this addicted to reading and writing?
Me: Dad, going to the 50cents concert. Dad: Here`s a dollar, take your sister with you.
This salad tastes like I`m about done with my New Year`s Resolution.
If you`ve lost your appetite today, I think I have it.
When you realize that your car matches the one in the Amber Alert.
Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I`m getting tired of running and he`s catching up to me.
Wife fell asleep on the couch so I drew a spider on her glasses with dry erase marker. And now we wait...
Thanksgiving advice: Sit at the kids table for as many years as possible.
I can’t prove this, but I swear I used to be smarter, funnier, and less tired
You`re in your 20`s... you don`t have "haters"... you have "adults" that think you are "annoying"
You know you had an interesting day when your Google search history includes "rubber panda".
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn`t do anything except send me notices that there`s a new version of it!