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I like the part of the day where we eat the food.
Scientists have discovered that at least 50 percent of fat people’s BMI is made up of excuses...
Keychains were invented so that you can lose all of your keys at once.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
It’s strange to think that the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals desperately trying to get laid.
I wish Noah would have swatted those two mosquitoes.
I`ve officially reached the point in my life where the trash goes out on Friday nights way more often than I do.
I love everybody. Some I love to be around. Some I love to avoid. And some I’d love to punch them in the face.
20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please dont let Kevin Bacon die!
You call it free samples, I call it a free all you can eat buffet.
The Four Seasons, by Facebook: Spring: LOOK FLOWERS! Summer: LOOK AT MY DASHBOARD TEMP! Fall: LOOK LEAVES! Winter: MORE DASHBOARD PICS!
I love finding money in my clothes. It’s like a gift to me ... from me.
Vodka isn`t the answer... but it makes you forget the question :P
Somewhere in the world right now, somebody is buying a house based on its potential for great bathroom selfies.
I wish my bank account refilled as fast as my laundry basket.