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Age sure does change your perspective. Lots of things I hated when I was a kid I love now... like having nothing to do, going to bed early, watching the news, spankings.... stuff like that.
Dear, automatic flushing toilet, I appreciate the enthusiasm.... But I wasn`t finished.
The unplanned moments tend to be the best ones.
There are two types of people in this world: people who pee in the shower and liars.
All I`m saying is that if you were a real psychic palm reader you would of made me wash my hands first.
Have you ever said something and immediately thought “I didn’t know I knew that."
A recent survey has shown that 50% of all newlyweds want to try anal sex. Or to put it another way, 100% of grooms.
I’d drink a lot less alcohol if a lot less alcohol got me drunk.
Whenever I hear about a man jumping off a bridge I can`t help but wonder how long he was dating my ex.
I’m not positive that having the TV volume on an odd number will destroy the world, but lets not risk it.
I’m going to start wearing Summer’s Eve as a cologne. The vast majority of beautiful women seem to be attracted to douches.
The biggest lie I tell myself is: “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to `Toys For Tots` before you`re eligible for an Xbox?
My scars tell a story. A story about a guy who`s really f*cking clumsy.