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The only way you can be right in an argument with a woman is by admitting you`re wrong.
Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess
My mind says diet, but my stomach is all SHUT UP BITCH.
I found $40 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy dart guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, dart guns and candy".
I always get a nice safe feeling whenever I see a police car and I realize I`m not driving around with a trunkful of cocaine.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Fellas.....the girl on the flyer is never at the club
The only thing worse than "the one that got away" is the one that won`t go away.
The first snow of spring is always the most beautiful
My wife thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m awesome because I have the bread.
Unless your "Awesome Sauce" is an actual sauce and it involves putting it on a steak then I don`t want to hear about it.
eHarmony should be more like Amazon “customers who slept with Tina172 also slept with LuvinLife_83, TaintMisbehavin, and Cat_Lover03?.
I don`t want to brag or make anybody jealous, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.
I always learn from mistakes of others, who took my advice.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.