Daily Silly Status

You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that`s older than you.

I`m great in bed....i can sleep for days.

I remember 2011 like it was yesterday. ;)

Frankly auto correct,I`m getting tired of your shirt.

I watched my first porn movie today. I looked so much younger back then.

I just took the "What Kind of Asshole are You?" quiz and got "The kind that posts my results on Facebook".

Lawns: You cut them, then water them so they grow just so you can cut them again. This does not make sense.

Now reached the age where getting lucky is what happens when I can remember where I set my glasses down at

Guys communicate by insulting each other, but don’t really mean it. Girls communicate by complimenting each other, but don’t really mean it.

for every like, I will fart on my wife face

Whenever I think of a funny status I always get a pen and write it down so I can use it later, and if the pen is too far away I just convince myself that it wasn’t that funny anyway.

I can see your camouflage pants, so they`re not working.

I need a new bad decision.

A 5 year old asked me what marriage is like. So I gave him a chocolate bar and told him not to eat it.

Dear life, When I asked if my day could get worse it was a rhetorical question not a challenge.