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I`ve decided to go my own way and think "inside the box" to be different ... Wow its dark in here!
All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now.
Apparently, “I had an interview with a better company” is not an acceptable reason for being late for work.
JOKE OF THE YEAR: Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.
Judge: I`ve decided to give your ex-wife $350/month for child support. Me: That`s very generous. I`ll try and kick in a little myself.
Still haven`t answered my life`s calling... I`ve always just assumed it dialed the wrong number.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
I love secretly placing a deck of cards on top of someones ceiling fan.
It’s what people don’t know about each other that makes them such good friends.
Hey, guy from the gym with lifting gloves still on, you can take them off now, you`re in Starbucks.
With great power comes a great electricity bill.
Went shopping alone and the cashier asked, "How are you guys doing?" Now I`m 90% sure he can see ghosts and one is following me around.
Bring a side? Like, of alcohol?
iTunes got it all wrong, the hottest single of the year is me.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It`s simple. If it`s clean, it`s on the floor. If it`s dirty, it`s on the floor over there.