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Do you ever wish you were a monkey? Then if you got mad at someone, you could just fling your poo at them. Problem solved.
I want someone to look at me the way I look at the waiter when he brings my meal.
Wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? lol jk, there`s no pizza
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
A lot of people are only alive because I shed too much hair to ever get away with murder.
New Years - the only day where its socially acceptable to drink this early.
Can everyone come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back & not say a word to my parents so they think I lived a cool double life.
LADIES: Not all men get into a relationship just for sex. Some just need a personal chef.
Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing and they live for 150 years. Lesson learned.
Wife: Hi honey, did you miss me? Husband: With every bullet so far...
lifes a laugh, start living it!
Be careful when you`re watching a movie with your wife. You`re gonna get blamed for whatever the guy in the movie does.
Scared the mailman today by going to the door completely naked. Not sure what scared him more, my naked body or that I knew where he lived.
A group hug in my family means someone wants to use you as a napkin.
You would think a popular place like the Krusty Krab would have more than two employees.