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I don`t believe in karma, but I do believe in punching people in the face.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I`m too lazy to learn science too.
The male version of a tramp stamp should be called a douche tag.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount...
I generally don`t hang out with people who are missing digits on their feet. It`s not that I`m a jerk. I`m just lack-toes intolerant.
There was a spider in my bathtub so I got a tissue and very carefully burned the house down.
Wow, I thought “flash mob” meant something completely different. Can someone come bail me out?
I ordered some bubble wrap online. It arrived in a box surrounded by packing peanuts.
Single ladies, stop saying you should just give up & get a cat , if no man wants you , don`t force an innocent cat to live with you..
If I owned a pet store Id put a different rat in the turtle cage every night just to see if any of the turtles knew karate the next morning.
When children shy away, I say, "I don`t bite. Not hard anyway!" Then I laugh and bite them hard. They need to understand life`s not easy.
I never run with scissors…those last two words were unnecessary.
“Be yourself” is the worst advice you can give to some people.
Don’t start an argument with a girl because they have 45030194 GB memories and will bring up something you did at 2:27PM on April 23rd 2008.
I just made an emergency survival kit. You know, for emergencies. It looks like all my other kits, but don`t be fooled; this one is red and has more liquor.