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GF: Does this dress make my a$$ look big? BF: Nope Your A$$ makes the dress look big.
The only difference between fear and adventure is how much you breathe.
That awkward moment when you get in the van... And there`s no candy.
Relationships should come with an icon that shows you how much time you have left like your phone’s battery.
If you`re one in a million, there are more than 7,000 of you.
You know you`re getting old when you`re looking forward to some time off so you can have like three doctors appointments.
When I was a kid and was going to "get it" that was bad. Now I`m an adult and I`m going to "get it" :)
I`m getting worried about this Ebola virus. I mean, I`ve got Norton but...
Don`t waste your time being difficult. Put forth a little more effort and be impossible.
I was standing in front of the mirror earlier, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
If you try to fail but you succeed which have you done?
My insomnia is getting worse. I was wide awake all day at work yesterday.
Can you imagine if Facebook and Twitter just decided to shut down and you see all these confused people coming out of their house squinting at the sun.
I used to be poor. Then I bought a dictionary, and now I`m impecunious.
Not a day goes by when I don`t try to use The Force.