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Apparently you have to go to the gym more than once to get in shape, what the hell.
I miss being able to use the excuse "I wasn`t home when you called."
Why does the girl in the Wendy`s commercials have Ronald McDonalds hair?
One man`s girlfriend is another man`s password.
Just saw the trailer for "Noah." I hear The Book is better.
If Facebook changed "poke" to "stab" I would use it all the time.
One thing horror movies have helped me realize is that as a parent, you definitely want to avoid having demonic children
If I had a British accent, I`d never shut up.
Sometimes when my phones at 5% battery life I call back all the people I didn`t want to talk too.
My medic alert bracelet warns first responders that I kiss back during CPR
What an intoxicated Schwarzenegger might say to a police officer: "I`m an IDIOT you COP!"
“That’s funny” is something I say when I can’t even fake a laugh.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs. For a second, I thought, "Should I help?" Then I thought, "No...6 should be enough."
Dear Lord, Thanks for making me funny. Especially since you didn`t give me much else to work with.