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I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
When I bang my toe against something, it’s like I pressed a button that plays every curse word I know.
Christmas is just like any other day in the workplace, you work your butt off and the fat guy with a suit gets all the credit.
The best way to scare a man is to use the urinal stall next to him. This works exceptionally well if you are a woman.
Maybe it`s the washer and not the dryer that steals the socks.
[takes out checkbook][clicks pen] Alright, how much to make these Bit Strips to go away forever.
If you feel down because you had a bad day! Chin up! Tomorrow is another day and the worst has yet to come!
I hate it when you`re buying stuff off the Internet and the bank calls to check to see if your card has been stolen. Sure, it seems nice, but then you have to explain to lady on the phone that no, it was not stolen, you really are the one who bought a subscription to bustyblondes.com
I hear boomerangs are making a comeback.
I wonder if the two guys arguing over r2d2 and roadrunner ever get laid.
Trying to understand women is like trying to smell the color 8.
Hi there beautiful, can I drive you to drink?
He who laughs first, must be connected to wi-fi.
Ladies first. Because it might be dangerous.
If your friends don’t make fun of you, they’re not your true friends.