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All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now.
They say if the palm of your hand itches, you`re going to get something. And if your crouch itches, you`ve already got it.
If you surround yourself with people funny enough to make you laugh till your abs hurt, you’ll never have to work out!
Shopping for bridesmaid dresses with 5 other women, today. If you never hear from me again, I committed suicide by nail file.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, "Oh c`mon...even I`ve done THAT!"
If animals spoke our language we`d be in their debt because they`d have some seriously incriminating dirt on all of us.
Families should be able to trade people, just like professional sports teams.
If buying new underwear is evidence of an affair, my husband has been faithful for at least nine years.
There`s no hiding it, my ex sucks at school... And in cars, alleys, and public restrooms...
Even if gas prices go down, I´m still going to siphon gas from my neighbor´s car because I like the adrenaline rush and he´s an a$$hole
You know one thing i really like about you is that you dont like anything about me.
Sometimes, my greatest accomplishment is just keeping my mouth shut.
If cats could text you back, they wouldn`t.
Wonders why there´s an ice cream truck for kids but not a frozen Margaurita truck for adults?
If you kept one of those jars where I`d have to put in a quarter every time I swore, you would be a billionaire by the end of the week.