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RUN? I thought you said Rum. I quit.
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pac Man, for 25 cents that bitch would swallow balls til she died!
When a porn actress is rude at a restaurant, there`s really nothing the staff can put in her food for revenge.
Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not get caught.
Does Starbucks have an express lane if your order is 10 words or less?
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don`t have mixed tapes anymore?
Stole a cart from this woman at Walmart today. I like to think of it as playing grand theft auto suburbs edition.
If relationship breakups never existed, the music industry would go Bankrupt !
I`m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team
Immature is just a word boring people use to describe fun people.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I`d probably have done better if they`d specified that they didn`t mean by tickling.
Okay restaurants. Enough with the clever bathroom signs. A simple M and F will do. Sincerely, drunk people.
I like my coffee like I like my men: caffeinated, made of beans, muscular, tousled hair, you know what, I don`t really know how to do this..
If you can`t say something nice about someone, you probably know the same people I do.
When I`m bored, I send a text to a random number saying, " I hid the body, now what?"