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I`ve tried several times, but I can`t pet a cat without plotting world domination.
My ex is living proof as to how stupid I can be.
I never get nervous or embarrassed. That`s just some sh*t that sober people who leave the house have to worry about.
Friends are like orgasms... nobody wants the fake ones.
I didn`t get your text (phrase) - I got your text, I was just too lazy to respond.
I like how flies rub their hands together like tiny criminals
My phone is covered in cupcake frosting and dried ice cream, in case you were wondering how my life is going.
Wouldn`t it be awesome if MTV had a show called "16 and Applying to Colleges"
If you think I wrote this status update in the nude, you`re wrong. I`m wearing a sombrero and a candy necklace.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
A person soon learns how little they know when a child begins to ask questions.
Billion dollar idea: A phone that charges using body fat!
I don`t even know why chicks spend so much time and money on their hair when all guys look at is their tits.
What happens in Vegas stays on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, Vine, and medical records.
People who learned a bunch of stuff must have felt pretty stupid when Wikipedia came out.