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Marriage is a workshop where husband works and wife shops.
If you own a podium and put up a sign that says "valet" on it, can you just steal cars?
Match dot com, but for socks.
The problem with diets is pizza.
I`ve been working with this alcohol free program for like six months and it`s really taken a toll on me ... I mean, I`m broke and as far as I`m concerned, they can buy their own alcohol.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestle Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I`m exhausted.
I just encountered a spider bigger than my desire to be the man of the house.
hearing that Jesus loves you is very nice unless you`re in a Mexican prison
I knew we were gonna be friends when you ran into that wall.
I wish I was important enough for my nudes to get leaked.
Have you ever wondered if Dora is smuggling drugs in her backpack?
When everything is coming your way, you`re probable in the wrong lane.
It would be funny if the husband is actually sleeping with the Jake from state Farm.
Just called my own voicemail and left messages until the memory was full. People can`t leave messages now. That`s the kind of genius I am.
Just once I want my skills to be so urgently required that a helicopter is dispatched to pick me up.