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I`m "oh my god, gag me with a spoon" years old.
When I woke up today, I had no plans to be awesome, it just happened.
The real problem with this generation is that the cartoons suck.
So I was thinking... We should get drunk and make bad decisions.
99% of people in this world are stupid. Luckily I`m part of the other 5%.
Show me, on this cat calendar, how long it`s been since you`ve had a date?
Fun game for parents: Scream in horror the first time your child loses a tooth.
I wish I could get excited as a redneck drinking cheap beer and watching cars go around in circles for hours.
I tried to be a Rap Singer once. Sadly my rap album, `I Respect the Police & the Risks They Take to Keep My Community Safe`, didn`t do too well on iTunes.
It`s hard to write a good drinking song. I can never make it past the first few bars.
Never buy crystal meth from a guy with a full set of teeth. He`s obviously an undercover cop.
If the best things in life really are free, why am I still getting charged at the liquor store? I call bullshit
Just think, there is an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: "Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?"
All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.
A quiet man, is a thinking man. A quiet woman, is usually mad.