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My fantasy is having two women at once...One Cooking, One Cleaning.
Ladies: We leave the toilet seat up because we don`t want to touch it any more than you do.
The phrase, “Don’t take this the wrong way” has a zero percent success rate.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
200 pictures of you at the bar and 2 pictures with your kids. You must be quite the mom.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Some mornings it`s best just to fill the sink with coffee, dunk you head in, and suck.
The most dangerous drinking game is seeing how long I can go without coffee.
I look at you and think "why has no-one hit you with a shovel yet?"
Some of the best memories I have are of times right before the cops showed up.
I`m going to invent a cleaning product that kills .1% of all germs and bacteria. It doesn`t sound very effective, but I`m going to get it placed right next to all the other cleaning products that kill 99.9% of all germs and bacteria.
A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.
Why is it called `after dark`, when it is really after light
The waitress asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I`m married to it.
i dont have drain bramage.