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So a year ago today I asked a really beautiful friend out on a date and today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.
I do whatever the little voices tell me to do.
Just when you think you have the answer a woman will be there to change the question.
Saw a hobo sleeping on a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. Must be his alarm system.
Own the day
My kids are always accusing me of having a "favorite child" which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash.
Here Comes Honey Boo Boo has been canceled. In other news, my faith in humanity has been restored.
Why isn`t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
I`ve been calling my wife "honey" for 12 years because I don`t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
My New Years resolution is to stop procrastinating so much.
People that are organized are just too lazy to look for things.
They don`t say "Get down Mr. President" anymore. Now they just shout, "Donald Duck!"
"Iowa man arrested after fight over peanut butter and jelly sandwiches" - I`m just gonna assume this is 1 of you guys