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Married sext: I’m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times.
Instead of cleaning my house I just watch an episode of hoarders and think " Wow my house looks great"
This liquor store needs a dollar menu.
On the bright side, all that coal will keep me warm this winter.
Do one thing every day that scares you. Or one thing that scares other people.
"I didn`t get your text" is the new "my dog ate my homework"
Relationship status: Runs alone at night in hopes of being abducted.
All men approve of premarital sex......until they have a daughter.
Sorry, but breaking up with you on facebook was the best way of letting all your friends know I`m available.
I`m on that “Starts tomorrow” diet.
You don`t have to drink to have fun... Just have fun drinking!
If Facebook has taught us anything, it`s that a lot of people are not quite ready for a Spelling Bee.
The first five days after the weekend are always the toughest.
My butt decided to go big instead of go home.
Now they are saying that the Zika virus is sexually transmittable. What kind of pervert is having sex with a mosquito?