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Happiness comes from within. That’s why it feels good to fart.
My wife didn`t appreciate me pointing out that my alcoholism began around the time that we first started dating.
I`ll take "who the f*ck would know that" for $600, Alex.
I don`t "get lost". I find creative ways to get places I didnt know I wanted to go.
I thought 70 was the new 50, but the cop still gave me a ticket.
I`m allergic to gluten free diets.
Flip flops are fun because every time you take a step it`s like a high-five for your feet.
Don’t be upset that you’re single; be happy that someone isn’t ruining your life.
Every shape I had to learn above octagon was just a total fu*king waste of time.
People who say "Don`t mix drugs with alcohol"" ... they`re stupid, right?
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Having a 14 year old has made me realize why some species eat their young.
Illiterate? Well then sign up today for free online reading classes!
Please be careful on the roads. Lots of people are drinking exsessively and letting their wives drive.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.