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Sometimes all you need is $500 million dollars.
Oh, you’re surprised I’m still single? I’m surprised you can dress yourself. So I guess we’re even.
Spent the morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
they say "money cant buy happiness" but money pays for my internet connection and my vodka so im thinking maybe "they" are wrong
I hate wasting alcohol on social occasions.
Sluts are just hookers with no grasp of economics.
I accidentally shoveled the sidewalk all the way to the bar again.
The only 2 things that I love and enjoy about being an adult is having sex and drinking alcohol.
It`s so cold out I`ve turned 50 Shades Of Blue!
Candy Crushers keep inboxing me saying that they need "lives" as if I didn`t already know that.
Pocketwatches were replaced by wristwatches, which became digitalwatches, which were replaced by mobile phones. Which we keep in our pockets
Marriage...betting someone half your stuff you`ll love them forever.
There should be an "oh my god, shut up already" button.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is "I can post that"
I was worried my notifications had stopped working but luckily I’m just unpopular.