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Boss: Are you high? Me: You and I both know that I don`t make enough money to have a drug habit.
one of the Olsen twins got married earlier today! when the fiance was asked "which one???" he replied "who cares???"
Something I will never understand: Why it’s acceptable for people to be idiots but not acceptable for me to point it out.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit".
A psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
So far, I am 100% at believing what happened next on Facebook links.
Be thankful your GPS doesn`t get PMS: “Fine! Turn whichever way you want! You never listen to me anyway!”
The pizza guy just said "see u tomorrow" ...
Everytime I see a person jogging I already know they have facebook, everyone on facebook works out.
From all these shows I`ve watched it seems like snipers lay down a lot of the day....I`d probably be pretty good at that job.
"nice crocs. where did you get them?" - nobody ever
Going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car and asking, "what kinda robot does that one turn into?"
You can get away with farting at the zoo because you can always blame the animals...
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.