Daily Silly Status

I think I really have an amazing butt. Every time I talk to someone and start walking off they say "what an ass.."

Are the ATF and border patrols also shutdown? Asking for a Mexican friend....

I typed bitch into my GPS and guess what? I`m in your drive way. Vroom, vroom mother f*%ker.

Often, when I am reading a good book I stop and thank my teacher. Well, I used to. Until she got that restraining order.

I know money talks but I wish mine had a better vocabulary instead of just ‘Spend me’.

Sometimes Late at night. I rearrange traffic signs. People need to be challenged.

Im at my classiest when my neighbor catches me begging my dog to sh!t faster because it`s cold.

Do you ever start writing a status and half way through you’re just like… nah

I need to start setting an alarm to go to bed.

How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?

The people who make medicine clearly have no idea what fruit tastes like

Don’t you hate it when spiders bite you and you get like zero superpowers?

I don`t think we appreciate this era enough. For instance, none of us will see old photos of our moms whoring it up on Instagram.

love a girl with a trimmed bush because it makes it easier to see into her window at night.

The new iPhone will have a finger print scanner. Or, in other words, Apple is about to amass the largest database of biometric data in the world. I’m sure the people of NSA are dancing like little school girls right now.