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I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said "Die, Decepticons! Die!"
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
I always carry a lighter in case I end up at an impromptu concert...or need to set someone`s house on fire. Either way, I`m prepared.
My wife just made a "special" dinner "just for me" for no apparent reason. I`m going to die, right ?
About 110,000 people contract chlamydia each month, more than signed up for Obamacare. Obamacare is less popular than chlamydia.
I`ll show up at the gym when they put in a drive-thru.
The recipe I am making says to chill for 30 minutes so I`m sitting back and having a margarita!
If I ran my legs as much as I did my mouth, I`d be in fantastic shape.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today. I sure hope they find his head.
One advantage of growing old is you don`t have to worry about hackers stealing your nude pics out of the cloud.
They say `No news is good news,` but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
When in doubt, procrastinate.
It`s ok to admit when you`re wrong. Just don`t tell anyone.
A hypnotist is just someone that tries to roofie you with jazz hands.
If pigs really could fly I bet their wings would taste delicious.