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When`s it gonna be the 4th of July? I feel like blowin somethin` up and not gettin` arrested.
If suppositories were just a bit smaller, they would be a whole lot easier to swallow...........................
In post apocalyptic movies everyone wears leather ... but there are no cows.
The loudest possible way to open a bag of chips is to try and do it quietly.
I hate it when I walk through a metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off.
Always have a goal... Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
Women can brutally and methodically destroy your life. But they let you see their tits along the way so it`s totally cool.
Scientists have discovered that at least 50 percent of fat people’s BMI is made up of excuses...
I’m not a picky eater or anything but I will look at both sides of a Dorito before I eat it to decide if its got a good cheesy dust ratio.
Life would be more simple if the person who named the orange an orange would have named more things. ;) Just Sayin`
Ran out of toilet paper, so I had to use leaves. Just kidding, but my son learned a big lesson about leaving his clothes on the bathroom floor.
What do you get when you inject human DNA into a goat? Apparently banned from the petting zoo...
Guys you should never overreact when you hear the words, " The babysitter is late."
"There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU." Things I say to my kids when we`re in public.
If he remembers your eye color after the first date, then you probably have small boobs