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Ever work out and think "wow I really needed that"? That`s how I feel about the chocolate chip cookie I just ate.
There are only two types of honest people in this world, small children and drunk people.
I swear, if my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
Does it count as saving someone`s life if you just refrain from killing them?
The funniest thing about this Facebook status is by the time you realize it doesn`t say anything important, it`s to late for you to stop reading it ... sucker
I`m no mathlete, but I CAN tell you that a 6 y/o running at 8 mph chasing an ice cream truck moving at 10 mph flies 7.4 ft if you trip him.
Today, I`m really gonna give it my nothing
Dwjxdjdhjfrjfjhrha! Sorry--you will get a more coherent status update AFTER I`ve had my coffee!
Life`s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Just washed my car with the squeegee at the gas station.
The saddest thing about St. Patrick`s Day is taking down all my Christmas decorations.
Where did all the people walking around with boomboxes in the 80s go? I`m concerned
After watching the "Schticky" ad, I am convinced now there are 8 wonders of the world.
for every like, I will fart on my wife face
"Estimated Time of Arrival" on the GPS. Challenge accepted!