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Nothing is as scary as logging into Facebook and seeing someone you were secretly with last night has uploaded a new album.
In the morning instead of having coffee and reading my horoscope, I have coffee and unfriend anyone who posts their horoscope.
Is it true that the older you get the crazier you become? Or is that just me?
Say what you will about women but I think being able to turn one sentence into a six hour argument takes talent.
Basketball would be a lot more exciting if each team was allowed one bear.
Any hedge can be a maze if you are drunk enough.
Let`s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.
I think my "check engine" light has finally burned out. So that`s good.
There’s nothing worse than getting $0.99 back in change.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a complete loser.
It`s hard to look like a bad-ass when you`re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
First, Ray Rice. Now, Adrian Peterson. The prison football league is going to be off the chain this year.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
When I "rage against the machine" the machine is usually a printer.
There should be reality show where 16 congressmen are forced to take jobs in the private sector.