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I bought a blowup doll today, but I won`t blow her up until tomorrow. I don`t want to seem desperate.
A box 5 lb. box of chocolates: $40, Valentines Day card: $3.75, not being yelled at for 35 minutes until the chocolate is gone: priceless!
Watching someone else play a video game is like watching someone who won`t let you join in while they`re masturbating.
People say that marriage is a job...marriage is not a job, its a hobbie!! Dating while you`re married...that`s a job!!
I`m selling my browser history on eBay before the government does.
I wonder what it feels like to be wrong.
I wish the Microsoft Paperclip would just pop up when I’m making a questionable decision for my life.
Whoever said the camera adds 10 pounds should stop eating cameras.
Drunk me would really appreciate a light switch on the floor.
If money can’t buy happiness explain pizza.
A child`s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
If my jokes offend you: 1. I’m sorry. 2. It won’t happen again. 3. 1 & 2 are lies. 4. You’re a wussy.
I don`t know why it`s necessary to get a glass dirty, when wine tastes perfectly fine straight out of the bottle.
Not many people can say their Batman wallet matches their underwear like I can.
If couples who are in love are called `love birds.` Then couples who always argue should be called `angry birds.`