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You wouldn`t believe all the cool stuff I find when I`m under my bed playing.
I don`t understand why people go to the gym all the time... everything there`s so heavy.
Wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? lol jk, there`s no pizza
Texting totally changes your perception of how long stoplights are.
I hate wasting alcohol on social occasions.
I’ve never had angry sex. I’m always happy and quite surprised that it is actually happening.
I had no plans on looking sexy today, but sh!t happens.
Personality is 40% genetics, 40% upbringing, and 20% the last movie you watched.
I can take care of my drunk friends, so the responsibility of having children doesn`t worry me.
Life is different in Christian frats: “You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.” “Way to save it for marriage, bro.” *fist bump*
Getting drunk and listening to loud music solves 87% of all life`s problems
Wish some of my co workers weren`t allowed in the break room... Because that`s who I usually need a break from.
I`m more of a "the glass is half shattered into a million tiny pieces" person.
Sorry I wore tear-away pants to your wedding. In my defense I really thought I had on underwear.
I don`t get my neighbor. tells me to make my self at home but then gets pissed off when they come into the kitchen and I`m in my underwear making a sandwich.