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I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said "Die, Decepticons! Die!"
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they`d never get caught.
I don`t understand why people go to the gym all the time... everything there`s so heavy.
Sometimes, I like to stalk random strangers vacation pic`s, and tag myself as one of the people in the background just for laughs.
What if aliens only abduct crazy people, because nobody will ever believe them?
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary. Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shi t.
The first rule of Women`s fight club is don`t tell anyone what you`re mad about or why you`re fighting.
Happy St. Patrick`s Day to the fool that gave up alcohol for Lent.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Don’t ask me again” is my favorite computer button that I wish was also a real life button.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me ... I live in a city.
I thought I was feeling a little bloated today, turns out I had my underwear on backwards.
I`ll bet I`m the only one in this grocery store with "sh!t for tacos" on my shopping list.
There was a HUGE spider in the shower.. So I ran into the living room screaming naked.. Now my daughters` friends probably won`t be allowed over anymore..
My status would be a lot funnier if you could see my back-up dancers.