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I miss the days when minding your own business was a thing.
That moment when you realize your children have your twisted sense of humor...And you don`t know whether to be proud or scared.
"And then I rented a monster truck and drove it through their f*cking house!" - How all my stories would end if I was a billionaire.
I would like to say to all my 500+ facebook friends, that i love each and every one of you..except you number 371..your a real a@@hole!!
Ever wonder if the McDonalds logo is the letter "m" or just an image of your butt cheeks it will cause?
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
It`s a beautiful Spring day to get outside and stare at your phone.
Never call me creepy. You`re the only one that doesn`t even know we`re engaged.
You laugh because I`m different ........... I laugh because I farted.
I`m outdoorsy in that I like getting drunk on patios.
I wish I could commute by roller coaster.
My body is made up of 90% water, 5% pizza and 5% wine.
We get it poets: things are like other things
If any of you have gotten any weird texts from me recently, its because my phone is working fine and I`m just trying to make you feel uncomfortable.
I hate long distance relationships. That`s why I moved the fridge into my bedroom.