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It`s pretty cool how vodka always has such `great` ideas.
All milk is breast milk.
Cant imagine the look on Obamas face when he saw `Olympus Has Fallen`..His next quote would have been.."No more Taiwans in the secret Elevetor office"
People with jobs: It`s Friday!!! People without jobs: It`s Friday?
Stupidity should be painful...really!!!
I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy. Turns out she really said "4G." My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk.
I`m no mathlete, but I CAN tell you that a 6 y/o running at 8 mph chasing an ice cream truck moving at 10 mph flies 7.4 ft if you trip him.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren`t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Guys say that women should come with instructions, but what`s the point. Have you ever seen a man read instructions?
I`m that friend that you have to explain to people before you introduce me and apologize about afterwards.
Staring longingly at the door works for my dog, but I tried it at work and no one let me out. :(
How can I learn to be more patient? (I`m only interested in quick-fix solutions with immediate results please)
Like if you really googled to see if that kid really died from masturbating
I think my other three stove burners are becoming jealous of front-right.
Actually told a girl who`s moving to France soon that "there`s lots of French people over there". It`s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.