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I know it’s 3 meals a day, but how many should I eat at night?
I sometimes goto Starbucks for coffee and tell them my name is Bueller ... Then leave before my coffe is ready
Everybody says waking up at 5 in the morning to exercise makes you feel great but I think lying in bed for another 2 hours feels better.
You really understand how drunk you are when you`re peeing...
Calling your girlfriend by her Moms name during a fight is a great way to escalate the situation.
Knife > gun because if I pull a knife, you don`t know what I`m gonna do. Stab you? Open a letter? Or am I gonna frost a cake? It`s a mystery
Have you ever had a fly or small bug land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to try and scare it with the cursor?
if ever you need NOTHING, im here for you.
If the plan is “drink beer now, figure out life later” then yes, everything is going according to plan.
Dear middle finger: thank you for always sticking up for me.
Two of the greatest mysteries of the universe: 1) Why are we here? 2) How come Chinese restaurants don`t serve breakfast?
I’m thinking there’s some type of filter that prevents normal people from like my page
Wouldn’t it be a smart idea? To make the sticky part on envelopes taste like chocolate?
There`s actually a website designed to simulate what it`s like to be the sole survivor of a nuclear holocaust, it`s called MySpace.
"Don`t let a hot date turn into a due date."--my father`s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.