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I get in this weird mood where I don`t want to talk to anybody and just want to be left alone. I call this mood `Awake`
If you think you aren`t creative, buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it.
Sunglasses: allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It`s like Facebook in real life.
The secret to eternal life and happiness could be hidden in the Terms & Conditions and we would never know.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
If any of you ever want your kitchen painted orange just give a six year old Cheetos for lunch and tell them not to make a mess. Works every time.
People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that. Thank you for asking.
watching porn is like finding happiness in other enjoyment.....
Pro tip: Do not make snow angels in a dog park.
If today were a fish, I`d throw it back.
One day I will solve all problems with grace & maturity. Today is not that day...
Only YOU, can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.
I’m totally fine with favoritism as long as I’m the favorite.
If you think husbands aren`t good listeners, whisper "Come here, I`m naked" from anywhere in the house and see what happens.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.